I started this post on Saturday the 25th and then stopped because my fingers and hands just weren’t allowing me the freedom of typing very well. Saturday was a rough day for me. I had doubts about the who’s, whats, whys and when’s of my life. Generally when that starts, I start basically babbling to the Lord, not really praying, just basically repeating whatever nonsense is going through my head. I don’t get these days too often but when I do, it’s usually caused by my brain and emotions not handling where my body is physically at the moment. I am ashamed to say that at this point, I still don’t lean completely on the Lord when the pain gets bad. I babble, try to figure out what I’ve done wrong and sort of work myself into a pitying frenzy. I do not like that about myself at all.
Since I have moved, I have tried very hard to listen to God’s voice first before allowing any other’s in and I’ll be honest, I have seen God’s hand work more now that my mouth is shut more and I am so grateful for His blessings and mercies. This is one reason that I was not happy with Saturday’s emotional bloodbath. Instead of deleting what I wrote on Saturday, I’m going to let you read it…it’s not long because as I started to write about my emotional whiplash, I suddenly got so tired and hurt so bad, I couldn’t continue so…I never went back to it.
Today, Tuesday the 28th, as I look back at what I started to write, I am just washed in the assurance that my Lord does indeed know every thought and emotion that passes through me and not only does He know it, He loves me even if they aren’t the prettiest things at the time. After I wrote this and quit on Saturday, I went to visit a church on Sunday. I always did find it amazing when I went to church and the message was on something that I personally, desperately needed on that day. Visiting a new church, I guess I thought the Lord would lose me somehow or something but what He did was send an arrow straight through my heart, stir my blood and give me concrete reasons to show that I am truly never alone. Below is what I had written:
Now yesterday certain parts of my body decided that I’d pushed things far enough…hands/fingers, back and knees. So in my head of course, my struggle just got a whole lot more personal. It brought to mind questions, some of which I wasn’t prepared for; others that made me think.
- How honest do you get on your blog? My blog is about my walk with Jesus in a new town, a new home while blending old and new friends and learning how to follow Jesus a little more closely everyday. I don’t always do right or succeed and there are days that I can be pretty hard on myself in my head. Do I say these things on here? Do I really want to put my ‘real’ self on display for friends, family and strangers to see in all it’s tarnished and tainted glory? Do I really dare? Why am I blogging anyway? Isn’t it so that if there is someone, somewhere who can relate to something that I go through, that this may help them see they aren’t alone?
That was as far as I got.
On Sunday I went visiting at a friend’s church. Now, had I heard a sermon on the topic of the inner man before? Yes. Preached in that particular way? NO! Either the Lord decided it was time for me to sit up and listen well or it was because it was a different setting, a different Pastor and a totally new experience. Either way it was like I had an epiphany or something. 🙂 Inside there is a new inner man (governed by the Holy Spirit) and the old man (governed by the flesh) and then outside the flesh. The old man and the flesh war against the new man and if you don’t deliberately set your mind to doing what the Lord would have you do to honor and glorify Him and carry on His Work, you will constantly be pulled back into fleshly behavior. Ah-ha!!
Now, I knew this, had heard a variation of it but for some reason, it came out of left field and cold-cocked me one. And I am so glad that it did! I have spent that Sunday afternoon through today just pondering what is was that was preached. Was it biblical? Yes. Was it current in my life? Not really. That was a very sobering thought for me these past couple of days. I have always said that getting rid of sin was hard. However, I’m still a smoker and I basically spaz out if you tell me I need to quit. Do I? Yes and I’ve had people tell me and I see in the Bible where it would be so. I have just always used to excuse that it was too hard, I liked it and, my personal favorite, “I’ll do it tomorrow.”
At this point though, even knowing that I truly have clear knowledge now of what and how to deal with the old and new man, I still hesitate. But my heart on Sunday afternoon turned light; I felt the overwhelming sense of contentment; that I was indeed where I should be and that I can learn how to discipline myself one day at a time to handle it.
Overnight, within 24 hours, I rode the emotional roller coaster of life but as Job says in Job 13:15, Though he slay me, yet will I trust in him: but I will maintain mine own ways before him. I am so thankful that I may try again to make Him my main confidante and here ever after, each time I fall away, He’ll have open arms to pull me back in! Just how amazing is that! Till next time –